Chip Kelly--What's at Steak (By Brian)

Mr. Chip Kelly,

Welcome to Philadelphia.  Your hire hasn’t left much of the NFC East (Kelly) green with envy.  The consensus seems to be that your offense is gimmicky and that your heart isn’t really in it.  If that’s so I really couldn’t blame you.  It’s hard to believe that a few million dollars more would be enough to leave A Great City for the Arts and Outdoors for a cold, anguished city whose biggest claim to fame happened over 235 years ago. 

Still if you’re planning to stick around a little longer than some of your college-to-pro predecessors like Petrino and Saban, maybe you can take off the Nike cross trainers, put down the organic fruits and vegetable and partake in the local cuisine.  A couple of cheese steaks won’t kill you.  And even if you put on a few pounds I’m sure that the Eagles still have lying around a few of those oversized unitards that Andy Reid used to don on the sidelines.

Admittedly I might not be the best guy to give you advice on where to get the best sliced rib eye with whiz.  I’ve only been to four of the local establishments.  But I am as good a guy as any to give you some clarity on what awaits you in the NFC East.  For brevity’s sake, let’s try to kill both of these two birds with one stone.

Geno’s: Dallas Cowboys

Founded in the 1960’s, it reached meteoric heights in a relatively short period of time, rendering much older competition to scramble to compete.  Don’t let the past fool you.  Today they are living on reputation alone.  For all the flashy lights and the extreme bravado, they haven’t been relevant in a couple of decades.  The out-of-towners love it.  The locals know better.

Pat’s King of Steak’s: Washington Redskins

Founded in the 1930’s, it has served as the natural rival to its competitor above.  Unfortunately it has become as big of a relic of another time (much like the logo on the Redskins helmet although at least a Pat’s cheese steak isn’t an absolute affront to our nation’s native citizens).  The so-called experts are predicting a comeback.  The locals will believe it when they see it.

Jim’s: New York Giants

Founded decades ago, the place has been packed since at least the FDR administration.  The fans are believers and are willing to stand in line for hours in the harshest of weather to partake.  Still, reviews are all over the place.  The country has at times viewed it as elite but the locals find it to be too inconsistent.   

Tony Luke’s: Philadelphia Eagles

Housed, ironically, on East Oregon Avenue, Tony Luke’s is “The real taste of South Philly.”  The staff and patrons might be unfriendly but they have more or less owned the competition for the past decade, even as they struggle to win national recognition.  But while the talent is undeniable it continues to search for an identity.  Is this a cheese steak restaurant or a roast pork place?  The locals are begging for an answer.        

That is where you come in.  I wish you all the best in Philadelphia.  I’d advise you to take some antacid now and look to rent, not buy.