3 Reasons Why the Philadelphia Eagles Will Not Win the NFC East
The NFL Network, late last week, teased an upcoming segment entitled, “3 Reasons Why the Philadelphia Eagles Will Not Win the NFC East.” Despite piquing my interest, my attention deficit disorder kicked in and by the end of the commercial break I had already moved on to other things. I’m guessing it probably had something to do with Adam Richman and an oversized burrito. The suspense has been killing me ever since as I have been playing my own lists over and over in my head.
1. Jason Pierre-Paul
2. Justin Tuck
3. Mathias Kiwanuka
Too Giants-centric and besides Tuck’s neck is so bad he is one hit away from having to put deer antler spray in his Subway footlong. And last week brought news that JPP had just undergone back surgery. Nice work from JPP not waiting until the last minute. Was Dr. Robert Watkins not available from January to May? At least it might explain why Pierre-Paul’s 2012 season was so underwhelming. No word yet from Dr. Watkins as to whether it had anything to do with JPP’s trademark standing back flips. Can someone please warn David Wilson?
I might have gone with…
1. Hakeem Nicks
2. Victor Cruz
3. Ruben Randle
…but Cruz isn’t signed and Nicks refused to show up for OTA’s, which in Coughlin’s world are about as voluntary as a colonoscopy after 40. Will the Giants commit $16-$20 million to two stud wide receivers? Probably, but was it me or did Cruz look a little skittish at times last year? 86 receptions and 10 touchdowns is nothing to sneeze at but I keep thinking that the Victor Cruz dream that we have all been living is too good to be true. The upside for this guy is still All Pro. The downside? He never lives up to his performance in 2011, screws himself over the contract and ends up dating a Kardashian.
1. Michael Vick
2. Nick Foles
3. Matt Barkley
Or maybe it just has something to do with the Eagles being completely dysfunctional. Where do I start? Shady McCoy hit a girl and stranded her on the New Jersey Turnpike, answering the question of whom Shady is going to bitch slap now that Osi is in Atlanta. In an unrelated story, the Eagles brass had to inform McCoy that his future starting quarterback is named Matt Barkley, not Mark Barkley. Shady might want to get that right especially given that Trent Dilfer has already anointed Barkley as the next Eli Manning. I knew Eli Manning. He was a friend of mine. And Matt Barkley, you’re no Eli Manning. About the only thing that you have in common with Manning is that your college mascot is the only one in the NCAA that even rivals the offensiveness of Colonel Reb. Apparently, the Southern Cal mascot is named for the horse of Civil War Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Even Ole Miss had the good sense to replace Colonel Reb with a black bear.
If McCoy’s antics aren’t enough, MeSean Jackson got accused of owing his agent $400,000 in unpaid loans and Chip Kelly’s Oregon Ducks got hit with 5 years probation. And in my personal favorite story, Evan Mathis got photographed pissing on the Internal Revenue Service building, an ironic gesture for a man that attended a state university and will play the 2013 season in a building funded by taxpayer dollars. I mean look, nobody likes paying taxes although I will admit that interstate highways and drones and national parks are pretty cool. What’s Mathis’ beef with the IRS? Has he harbored long-time ill will or is he more upset with the recent passage of the American Taxpayer Relief Act? Maybe it is the Obamacare surcharge? Either way somebody find that man some tax shelters.
One final thought before concluding with the 3 real reasons that the Eagles won’t win the NFC East. With the 19th pick in the NFL draft the New York Giants selected offensive lineman Justin Pugh, Syracuse. The Giants blogosphere hated it. Something about the man having 32-inch arms. I haven’t seen the size of a man’s arms discussed this much since Mark McGwire grew acne on the back of his post-pubescent 37 year old arms. Now I don’t know enough to venture a guess as to whether his pterodactyl arms will prevent him from blocking NFL lineman but I will suggest that Pugh stay away from Banana Republic. Don’t’ waste your time. I have 32-inch arms. There’s nothing there for a man with 32-inch arms. Why do the powers that be at Gap, Inc. assume that all men have 35-inch arms? The neck fits beautifully. The arms? Not so much.
But we digress. As for the three real reasons why the Philadelphia Eagles will not win the NFC East…
1. Eli Manning
3. Tony Romo