3 Reasons Why the Philadelphia Eagles Will Not Win the NFC
East
The NFL Network, late last week, teased an upcoming segment
entitled, “3 Reasons Why the Philadelphia Eagles Will Not Win the NFC
East.” Despite piquing my
interest, my attention deficit disorder kicked in and by the end of the
commercial break I had already moved on to other things. I’m guessing it probably had something
to do with Adam Richman and an oversized burrito. The suspense has been killing me ever since as I have been
playing my own lists over and over in my head.
How about?
1.
Jason Pierre-Paul
2.
Justin Tuck
3.
Mathias Kiwanuka
Too Giants-centric and besides Tuck’s neck is so bad he is
one hit away from having to put deer antler spray in his Subway footlong. And last week brought news that JPP had
just undergone back surgery. Nice
work from JPP not waiting until the last minute. Was Dr. Robert Watkins not available from January to
May? At least it might explain why
Pierre-Paul’s 2012 season was so underwhelming. No word yet from Dr. Watkins as to whether it had anything
to do with JPP’s trademark standing back flips. Can someone please warn David Wilson?
I might have gone with…
1.
Hakeem Nicks
2.
Victor Cruz
3.
Ruben Randle
…but Cruz isn’t
signed and Nicks refused to show up for OTA’s, which in Coughlin’s world are
about as voluntary as a colonoscopy after 40. Will the Giants commit $16-$20 million to two stud wide
receivers? Probably, but was it me
or did Cruz look a little skittish at times last year? 86 receptions and 10 touchdowns is
nothing to sneeze at but I keep thinking that the Victor Cruz dream that we
have all been living is too good to be true. The upside for this guy is still All Pro. The downside? He never lives up to his performance in
2011, screws himself over the contract and ends up dating a Kardashian.
Getting closer…
1.
Michael Vick
2.
Nick Foles
3.
Matt Barkley
Or maybe it just has something to do with the Eagles being
completely dysfunctional. Where do
I start? Shady McCoy hit a girl
and stranded her on the New Jersey Turnpike, answering the question of whom
Shady is going to bitch slap now that Osi is in Atlanta. In an unrelated story, the Eagles brass
had to inform McCoy that his future starting quarterback is named Matt Barkley,
not Mark Barkley. Shady might want
to get that right especially given that Trent Dilfer has already anointed
Barkley as the next Eli Manning. I
knew Eli Manning. He was a friend
of mine. And Matt Barkley, you’re
no Eli Manning. About the only
thing that you have in common with Manning is that your college mascot is the
only one in the NCAA that even rivals the offensiveness of Colonel Reb. Apparently, the Southern Cal mascot is
named for the horse of Civil War Confederate General Robert E. Lee. Even Ole Miss had the good sense to
replace Colonel Reb with a black bear.
If McCoy’s antics aren’t enough, MeSean Jackson got accused
of owing his agent $400,000 in unpaid loans and Chip Kelly’s Oregon Ducks got
hit with 5 years probation. And in
my personal favorite story, Evan Mathis got photographed pissing on the
Internal Revenue Service building, an ironic gesture for a man that attended a
state university and will play the 2013 season in a building funded by taxpayer
dollars. I mean look, nobody likes
paying taxes although I will admit that interstate highways and drones and
national parks are pretty cool. What’s Mathis’ beef with the IRS? Has he harbored long-time ill will or
is he more upset with the recent passage of the American Taxpayer Relief
Act? Maybe it is the Obamacare
surcharge? Either way somebody find that man some tax shelters.
One final thought before concluding with the 3 real reasons
that the Eagles won’t win the NFC East.
With the 19th pick in the NFL draft the New York Giants
selected offensive lineman Justin Pugh, Syracuse. The Giants blogosphere hated it. Something about the man having 32-inch arms. I haven’t seen
the size of a man’s arms discussed this much since Mark McGwire grew acne on
the back of his post-pubescent 37 year old arms. Now I don’t know enough to venture a guess as to whether his
pterodactyl arms will prevent him from blocking NFL lineman but I will suggest
that Pugh stay away from Banana Republic.
Don’t’ waste your time. I
have 32-inch arms. There’s nothing
there for a man with 32-inch arms. Why do the powers that be at Gap, Inc.
assume that all men have 35-inch arms?
The neck fits beautifully.
The arms? Not so much.
But we digress.
As for the three real reasons why the Philadelphia Eagles will not win
the NFC East…
1.
Eli Manning
2.
RG3
3.
Tony Romo
